Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Are You In the Know?

Kotex was dispensing relationship and fashion advice back in 1946, and it is just too good not to share. I mean, you do want to be in the know, don't you?

First you do your nails. Which leads into figuratively getting your claws into a date. And after that you take them to the beach, only you have to wear a certain kind of very atttractively-named bathing suit. (And then of course the sand and water then do a number on your nail polish so you have to start all over again. It's like the circle of life!) You might as well copy this and paste it on the mirror at home for easy reference.

Life Lesson #!: The Split-Nail Personality

LHJ 1946 Kotex #1

Question and answer time! I like the second answer - I'll bet Miss Braids up there does that, when no one's looking! I would like to know what Heidi here did to look so pleased with herself. Did she gnaw first and then put on artificial nails? Or is she obsessed with emery boards. She collects them, it looks like. She has hundreds in her makeup table.

But as they say, a gal can't hide her hands forever. And if you slather on polish you won't feel - uncomfortable. Which leads us straight to Kotex, get it, being uncomfortable and what helps. Bet you didn't see that one coming! Oh, they're just warming up to this though. Now that you possess a set of long (and rather pointed, from the look of it) dark shiny fingernails - it's time to go hunt down a guy - or, as the Kotex people prefer to call him, a joe. (They sure are with it, these ad writers!)

Life Lesson #2: How To Lose A Guy In Ten Minutes

LHJ 1946 Kotex Detail #2

I probably would suggest losing this one, Mary Jane. He looks kind of silly, and he is making the most extraordinary face. Like someone who just ate a lemon but they sort of liked it.

Your "femme friend and her joe" do not want to get involved with this. They will not appreciate being "corralled" as if they were ponies. And believe me, no one has any interest in a platter or Ping Pong session at your house. (Insert risqué jokes here, please). Key transitional word: "safety" (good one, Dr. Kotex!) - safety in numbers, safety in...well, you know. Yuck.

Swiftly we move on to the beach, in Life Lesson #3: If Life's A Beach, Why Do I Have To Wear Bloomers?

LHJ 1946 Kotex Detail #3

What the hell?...Mary Jane has bleached her hair and had a full makeover, looking far more glam (despite the "bloomer suit") than Mr. Lemonhead, who has moved on to a second course of plastic drink coasters. Notice the superb lifeguard in the distance, staring at anything but the water (there are some great guys in this town, all right!). What's new on the beach this year? Well, not the hamburgers, we know that. And the lifeguard's been frozen in that position for the last year, seemingly. I guess that means the bloomer suit is new! I still don't like it though. Bathing suit shopping is hell, isn't it? Mary Jane knows that, clearly.

And the key word here is "different" - as in the suit and the Kotex (yeah, um, I should damn well hope so! These ads are terrible, really...I'm trying to have my coffee here!). Speaking of different, Mary Jane needs a different suit, a different guy - and maybe we can do something about those split nails, too. She cracked them on the hamburger.

Her smile is cracking a little too. Well, no wonder - I don't think this guy is riveting company. She also looks like she may have a touch of PMS. In which case he'd better keep an eye on the Coke bottle. She's pretty close to beaning him with it.

1 comment:

Marcheline said...

The lifeguard looks like he's trying to pick sand out of his crack!

And there's nothing more enjoyable, really, than eating hamburgers directly ON the sand... adds that extra little crunch that we all enjoy!