Tuesday, August 5, 2008

We'll Always Have Fels-Naphtha

LHJ 1936 Fels-Naptha Soap
Another day, another marriage saved by a bar of soap. Or drain cleaner. Or some other product. Seems to be a theme in these 1940s ads, doesn't it?

Today, may I present the astonishing (and golden - don't forget golden, this is important) Fels-Naptha* soap. It's hyphenated, it must be good! Actually they did not mention that, I don't know why. They mention just about everything else about it.

As per usual, we have an angry husband on the rampage because his shirts aren't as white as Willy Wonka's TV studio. But in this case it is the wife who is about to leave. The big brute is being such a pain. Yeah, I have to agree with her on this one. If you aren't bleaching and bluing the laundry, you're making gingerbread and pies and stuff for hours. Or scrubbing the bathtub and cleaning the drains. And this is the thanks you get. Oh hell no! You used to be a glamour girl!

But let me just ask this: why is gray tattle-tale, and what is it tattling on? The wife, I guess. Such a trouble-maker, that gray grimy shirt, whispering whispering in the big brute's ear: hey, listen pal, that dame is no good at washing a shirt, she doesn't even use Fels-Naptha! Imagine it using a Humphrey Bogart voice.

Well, now that you mention it, Fels-Naptha is not a bad idea. It's a "richer, golden soap with lots of naptha added to it!" Now, naptha is distilled from petroleum, used as a cleaning solvent or in making high octane gasoline in the petrochemical industry, according to my pal Wikipedia. Well, glad to know there's lots of it in the soap!

And there's "soothing glycerin in every golden bar" so your hands and your silk knickers will also be pleased. Oh, there's something for everyone in this product. Petroleum by-products AND soothing glycerin. It's like a symbol of the marriage, by golly. Somebody quick, there's a Ph.D in there somewhere!

But why does she say it takes two weeks? What takes two weeks? Cleaning with this stuff or fixing up the marriage?

In any case, all's well that ends with clean laundry so white it appears to be pulsating with light. And if that big brute gives you any more trouble, honey, you can wash out his mouth with the Fels-Naptha. Just the thought of a mouthful of golden suds will bring out the compliments in a hurry!

Oh, and you can still buy Fels-Naptha soap, yes indeedy. Here's a link, in case you have any gray shirts around the house gossiping behind your back.

*Spelled "Naphtha" mostly, but here it is "Naptha." I don't know why.

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