Friday, February 6, 2009

Delmar and the Mysteries of Desk K-91

It's Classified Friday! I just made that up, of course. Next week on Friday the 13th I will have to find some extra special classifieds. These gems are from a 1955 cheapo pseudo-science magazine:

1. "Interesting Mails" - So interesting, they are in quotation marks. That sounds shady. And after the three months are up, your mailbox will be sad and empty once again. All from Desk K-91 (down the hall, no doubt, from Room 101).

2. "How Can I Find Out?" Well, that depends on what you want to know, doesn't it? Maybe the "Interesting Mails" will be enlightening. If not, William Herman can develop something for you in confidence. Speaking of shady.

3. Your Mailbox Will No Longer Be Lonely. In case those "Interesting Mails" (there they are again!) are not stuffing up your mailbox sufficiently. Get lots of junk mail from shysters, for only a quarter - what a bargain.

4. Delmar is wise in the ways of Power. What kind of power? Well, um. It's like yoga. And telepathy. There's a little hypnotism thrown in too. And it's for Adults Only (now we're really curious!) It's positively Delmonic!

5. In case you need a few extra quarters to fund the flood of exciting junk mail - make money addressing postcards. These may be those no-honest-I-DID-go-to-Boston cards, actually.

6. Oh, and also you might like to grow mushrooms in the cellar. And in the shed. Also outdoors! Babbitt cleaned up doing this. Do they mean Sinclair Lewis' Babbitt, the unhappy, super-conventional smalltown realtor? I always wondered what happened to him.

7. We could also ask J. Cook about Babbitt the Mushroom King. He can secure information on anything...

8. ...Except for hair loss and dandruff. That would be a case for Viggiano the Pharmacist, a Shakespearean Gentleman of Verona (Pennsylvania). But if there is hair loss, how can there be dandruff? Maybe J. Cook knows. Or Delmar. I'm sure Delmar has a theory of two about this.


Bill said...

Winston shrieks: NOT 101!!!

Da Old Man said...

Would you order from a company so small they only had a desk, not an entire office?

Carol @SheLives said...

Does #1 sound to you like they're actually asking you to purchase junk mail? Can I sell some, too? I get plenty that I just get for free. I can share. Really, I can!

Tori Lennox said...

Y'know, I was always under the (apparently mistaken) impression that "mail" was plural all by itself.

Angi said...

Hmm, I'm from Seattle, I may need to go check out this mushroom facility, I used to live 5 minutes from Admiral Way. ;-)

Lidian said...

Bill - Winston does not need any junk mail, nor should he be wandering into secondhand bookstores (a shame, as they are so much fun. Well, usually).

Da Old Man - I would be a little suspicious, yes. I wonder if they had any other desks?

Carol - Yes, it does. I think people used to like getting catalogues that they hadn't ordered. My mother got one one for commercial baking supplies and it was just fantastic (circa 1968) - how I wish I still had it!

Tori - You're right, mail is plural. This must be very special - maybe extra-plural.

Angi - I wonder if it is still operating?

Kevin John said...

How quiant!

You should see the (e)mail ads that I see everday.
"Splong her innerds!"

Damn we've come a long way.

Relax Max said...

"Make money addressing postcards?" Sounds like the famous "work at home stuffing envelopes."

My birthday is Friday the 13th. I will expect something special from you to take my mind off that sad fact. :) said...

Wow - there's everything I need in life, right there in that list of classifieds. Should I grow the mushrooms first to get money for the other things, or should I take out a loan to pay for all the interesting mails and adult yoga-telepathy-hypnosis-information?
What to do, what to do?!?!?

Lidian said...

Kevin John - Yes, we really have evolved nicely, haven't we?

Max - I will do my best on Friday!

Starcasm - Yes, this is a complete set of instructions for fulfillment! :)

david zen-kennedy said...

I love these ads. . . went to google maps and got the street level view of Railroad Ave in Verona, PA. . . and am already planning our summer vacation.

Lidian said...

David - I really love the street views on Google Maps, too. I will have to check out Verona, PA - sounds like an undiscovered vacation paradise.