Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Jelly Beans Must Be Art Nouveau

Cheer up, Wranglers! There are groovy gifts and date ideas in store for you today.

Welcome to the Meme-Inspired Randomness, Part 2 - otherwise known as more fabulous advice from that 1960s Movie-Review Pundit, Rex Reed. He would like you to take note of how to be Hip when you give a guy a present. This is the sort of thing that Hip Guys like, apparently:

Hip Gifts To Give A Man

1. Art Nouveau jelly beans ("$5 a pound at Henri Bendel") [I think they are just multi-colored. Do they taste like Tiffany stained glass? Maybe they make you want to draw fancy motifs on everything.]

2. Fig leaf bathing suit [If only I could find an ad for this...Oh wait, here's one from 1998! Note the stunned, confused look on the "genius" who supposedly invented these things - but we know better, don't we?]

3. Old-world globe [Sort of a palate-cleansing sorbet of boredom, after the excitement of the jelly beans and the bathing suit]

4. Gold blazer buttons [And the boring continues! Having said that, though, the Wrangler guy in the white blazer does seem to be in need of some...]

5. Electric wastebasket [This is what we now call a paper shredder. Can also double as a good name for a 60s rock band, in case you have one of those sitting around the house]

6. Have his Army boots bronzed [Actually, this might be ideal for the Wrangler guys at the left - they all look sort of bronzed, don't they? In both senses of the word.]

Unfortunately, Rex does not list what he thinks the men should be ponying up in the gift department, for the women. After that Bronzed Army Boots idea, though, perhaps it's just as well.

Now, along with the gift-giving comes the dating. So here are some Hip ideas for dates. Oh boy, looks like I actually go on these kinds of dates, who knew things were so groovy for me? Rex's suggestion is, of course, first; and my exciting version is in brackets:

1. Supermarket dates [Go to grocery store and push wobbly cart around; enjoy witty conversation about next week's meals; fall into Muzak-induced fugue state, stagger around store sticking who-knows-what into cart. Then discover it is not actually your cart...]

2. Going to same restaurant four nights in a row [A little restaurant also known as The Kitchen...we go there all the time! Shame about the menu, they really need a new chef...]

3. Standing room at the opera [Watch TV while cleaning living room. Then listen to radio while folding laundry. I have season tickets!]

4. Discussion of trivia on first date [This is amazing - how did Rex know? We discuss trivia 24/7! My whole life is a psychedelic phantasmagoria of hipness!]

Thank you very much, Rex, we get the idea. You can go back to your 1966 Cosmo now, and stay there. And thank you to Janet of Found In Mom's Basement for the truly groovy 1968 Wrangler ad.


Many thanks to Heather for the Seal of Awesomeness and the Lemonade award!


Tori Lennox said...

That Rex was one happenin' dude!

Bill said...

You are hilarious! I love sorbet of boredom.

Are these really from Rex Reed? He is an annoying man. I see that many of the gift items are sensibly sized for shoplifting. Happy accident, Mr. Reed?

By the way, that swimsuit is terrifying.

Heather Cherry said...

Okay, this was one of my favorite posts so far. Too many funnies to count, Lidian my dear.

SlogBite said...

I came to your site today by way of SlogBite’s new game. If you haven’t tried it you really should give it whirl.

Me-Me King said...

Gold Blazer Buttons! I love the ones that have the anchor on them, it give men that nauti look. Oh, and let's not forget those with the olive branches - hail Caesar!

Hairball said...

Are those orangey-brown shorts in the ad suede? As Paris Hilton used to say, those are hawt! Especially with that expression on his face.

Oh wait! Maybe he looks that way because he needs some of that fruit salt from last week?

SlogBite said...

I am not sure if you have this or not, but it would fit perfectly into your site. I posted it almost a year ago on my "Attitude" site. You are welcome to repost it here and no credit need be given.

Lidian said...

Tori - He was boss, all right! (I hope that's a hip word)

Bill - This is really from Rex Reed - and there's plenty more, only it wasn't quite so funny (I think he meant it to be, but it wasn't)

Heather - Thank you! :)

SlogBite - Thank you, I sure will!

MeMe - Yeah, then those guys can play I Am A Rich Yachtsman. That's such a hip look.

Hairball - Yup, more priceless 60s facial expressions! :) Also, you may be right about them needing a whole lot of fruit salt. LOL, the poor would explain a lot. Not everything, but a lot.

Hairball said...


I'm not on twitter but, I followed your link to see what you were tweeting about. The song in question has been used in a commercial. Taco Bell used it in an ad for their Cheesy Beefy Melt.

Can't someone just write a jingle and leave our songs alone!?!

Staci said...

I think the perfect gift for Mr. Wrangler might be some sunscreen. Bronze doesn't even begin to describe it. They make what's his name that was on DWTS the same season as Stacy Keebler--sorry, I'm drawing a blank at the moment on his name and don't feel like going to to find it--look pale in comparison. Along the same line, he could use some sunglasses, too. They might help with the staring-into-the-sun squint the models have going on.

Heather Cherry said...

Hairball is right, Liddy. In fact, I'm pretty sure that song's been in more than one commercial... sadly.

Lidian said...

Hairball - Oh no, see what I miss living up in Canada? That's too bad, I like that song. Back in the day, they actually did write their own jingles.

Staci - You're right! And then there's that George Hamilton guy, who looks like a honey-baked ham. I guess a lot of people went for that look back then.

Heather - Oh, this is very sad news! Modern English sold out! Also the Stones did too, I think. Well, and most everybody else. I don't think Eno or Steely Dan did though - did they? Did they?

Shay said...

The only adult males who should wear Bermuda shorts are Bermudans. Preferably traffic police. With pith helmets.

Lidian said...

Shay - You got that right.