Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Do You Want To Know A Secret?

Do you want to know a secret? Well, do you?

Depends on what it is. There aren't any secrets about nose-blowing that would enhance my life, no. Although this perky gal on the right would disagree.

Is there really anyone still on the other end of this phone, listening to Mitzi ramble on and on and ON about her obsession with ersatz Kleenex?

Face-elle made these plushy, velvetty, "completely Canadian" gems in its "newly-enlarged mill" - so says the tiny print under the banner. They must have needed the extra space down at the mill because Face-elle are the size of luxury hand towels!

Mitzi doesn't even know the SECRET of Face-elle tissues, she only knows that they are "wonderfully different." Wonderfully different than what, an elephant? A TV dinner? The telephone? Who knows.

What we do know is that they are Softerized and "Melobonded for super strength." Just like Superman - he has super strength too! Perhaps this is what he uses when he has a super sniffle.

And then Mitzi says, "they won't 'blow through' even with the gustiest sneeze." She's quite the conversationalist, is she not? It is probably just at that point that the person on the other end gently hangs up the phone and tiptoes away, shuddering slightly.

This gem is from the Windsor Star, 1959 (that's Windsor, Ontario, by the way).

16 comments:

LOOKING4ANCESTORS said...

Well, you know, we Canadians suffer so terribly here in the Great White North. This why we need things like Face-elle tissues and Buckley's cough syrup in order to survive! LOL!

Kathryn

Phyl said...

I can just imagine the person on the other end, if the phrase was available, shrieking, "TMI! TMI!"

But I agree with Looking4Ancestors -- it's no surprise this thing was invented in Canada. Though I suspect Windsor's not that frigid.

Stephanie B said...

Is this anything like the secrets girls are apparently bombarding their mothers regarding a "not so fresh feeling"?

Bill said...

It's Softerized...I wonder how much they paid for that catchy tagline? This product sounds so wonderful, so life-enhancing, that I am not one bit surprised that you moved to Canada, Lidian.

For those who rarely make it to the small print, they thoughtfully inserted a maple leaf in the S on Softerized, so we'd all know it's Canadian. No wonder facile Mitzi is so excited about Face-elle.

Tori Lennox said...

For some reason (maybe the whole bad grammar thing of it), the word "Softerized" makes me want to run screaming from the room. Even more than Mitzi's conversational skills.

Margo said...

I zoomed in to see if you were kidding about "they won't 'blow through' even with the gustiest sneeze." I remember my grandfather being very proud of his big sneezes and telling me to not hold back when I had to sneeze.

Cookie Brochette said...

The ad is a nightmare! The company appears to be out of business, and it's no wonder. They couldn't survive this marketing mess!

Hairball said...

Lidian, do you have an ad for charm school by correspondence or something you can send to this woman? She seems to be under the assumption that facial tissue is a fascinating topic of conversation.

Wasn't there a company in recent years that had a "manly" tissue in their line-up? It was targeted towards those who sneeze clean through "normal" tissues. He-man woman haters tissue or something??

Judy said...

How do they get "softerized"? Perhaps it's by a process of "velvet softerization"? And I expect Ms. Gabsalot is covering an ugly cold sore with her right index finger. I don't know if they sold in the States because I don't remember them. However I DO remember that black rotary dial phone!

Lidian said...

Kathryn - That reminds me of the fun Canadian cough-lozenge ad I have, I will have to post that! (Oh, and an old 50s Buckley's ad too)

Phyl - No, Windsor's not as bad as say, Thunder Bay, right Kathryn? :)

Stephanie - Oh, I hope not...

Bill - You found me out! That is why I moved here, for the cool products (sadly, they no longer make one of those cool products, Maple Buds, which were a very nice candy).

Tori - The word (and i use the term loosely) 'softerized' bothers me, too.

Margo - I couldn't make that sort of thing up!

Cookie - Amazingly, yes, they are out of business.

Hairball - Yes, charm school should be the next stop for this young lady. I'll have to look into some ads for her.

Judy - It's one of the mysteries of the mill. Perhaps it is the Mill on the Floss.

Heather Cherry said...

Could they really not come up with a better product name than "Face-elle"? Maybe like "Tissues-ness" or "Sneeze-O-Matics".

Lidian said...

Heather- Those are good names! Maybe if they had had a better name they would not have gone out of business.

Shay said...

I agree with Heather Cherry; who thought up this name?

Lidian said...

Shay - I don't know, but let's fire him. We need better names for these things!

Relax Max said...

Well I never. This beats all. I'll bet ol' Maxie could blow through one of these cheap immitations. His sneezes are the gustiest.

There used to be a Windsor. Ontario, across the Detroit River from Detroit. What ever happened to it?

Lidian said...

Max - You never? Good heavens. That really does beat all. As for Windsor, it is still there. Last time I looked, that is.