Wednesday, April 1, 2009

How To Have More Fun In Bed

First, the implied insult: you don't really have much fun in bed, do you? Know what you need? A large plastic overhead device!

Oh, and you should be wearing full stage makeup. And your bedroom should be a black box, sort of like a darkroom.

Got all that? Excellent. Now you're ready to get your wallet out and buy this amazing life-changing Thing:

...So there you are, reading that Big Book of Girls' Adventure Stories - or maybe that new mystery novel, The Haunted Mascara Wand. And you finished the box of Saltines, so you can't have a thrilling snack. What's a gal to do?

Well, if you only had this scintillating Bed Lamp-Radio, - you would be having the time of your life there in bed. It looks like it could also be used as a self-tanning device. Or an oven vent, in case you feel like bringing the camp stove over and start making s'mores. After all, you're a girl who craves excitement and fun!

"Luxurious bedtime fun" in "gleaming plastic" - the possibilities are endless. For jokes, too. I know what you're all thinking, because I am too. But in the words of that purple philosopher, Barney, "Use your imagination!" (Which I did, when he used to be on TV, sullying the airwaves with songs and parables even more annoying than cars that whistle and give out electric shocks. But that, as they say, is another story).

Speaking of excitement and fun, the Bed Lamp-Radio comes complete with "the luxury of the Mitchell lullaby." This is where it gets really fun, doesn't it? Because - who's Mitchell? Who invited him ? That seems to be him, down in the lower left hand corner. He looks amiable enough, though exciting is not the first word that springs to mind.

And why is he singing? Is that all he does? Does he magically appear when you install the Bed Lamp-Radio, like Jeannie in I Dream of Jeannie? They should have made a 50s sitcom out of this. I Dream of Mitchell! Makeup Gal would be his boss, and make him get her snacks and do all the housework.

Advertisement (1949) from Duke University's Ad Access.

25 comments:

Stacie said...

Can you imgaine that thing falling down on your head while trying to enjoy all that "Luxurious bedtime fun"?! =)

Hairball said...

"Luxurious bedtime fun" in "gleaming plastic" - the possibilities are endless. For jokes, too. I know what you're all thinking, because I am too.

*looks completely shocked*
I was thinking no such thing Lidian! Okay, I was. *blushes* Then I thought, they could have *even* more fun if this fabulous lamp-radio had a button which made the Woo-Wee auto horn sound. Just imagine all the fun you could have!

The Earth said...

He he he.. Good post :-)

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

That is too funny!

And now I know what I need in the bedroom. Thank you for pointing me to the light!

Heather Cherry said...

And don't forget... your hair should also be in a perfect pin-curl set.

The Ebon Swan said...

OMG, I remember having one of these on my headboard at my grandmother's! If I recall correctly it met its untimely (well not really) end when I launched myself from across the room into bed. Perhaps it's just as well that I don't remember the lullaby...

Bill said...

I'd feel better spending $29.95 in 1949 dollars if it did also serve as an oven vent. That seems fairly steep.
Still, where else can you find a device that plays Mitchell's Lullaby? And is it Margaret Mitchell or Dennis Mitchell? Probably Dennis, since Margaret died in 1949 (and then it would be Mitchell's Dirge).

Now I'm curious about the other outstanding and guaranteed products manufactured by Mitchell.

The Exaggerator said...

And you'd never guess what kind of stations would be especially popular coming off that sort of radio: Those Mexican-based "border blasters," call signs inevitably prefaced with the letters XE, broadcasting all manner of incredible offers and religious paranoia all night long.

Or, for that matter, "Moon River" over WLW Cincinnati--no, not that Andy Williams standard, but a longtime Queen City institution of organ music and poetry readings.

How about the poetic stylings and nostalgic sentiment of Franklyn MacCormack over WGN Chicago?

Franklin Hobbs' House over WCCO Minneapolis-St. Paul?

Or--?

Venom said...

Just what makes the plastic gleam I wonder? Wait, I'm pretty sure I don't want to know...

Tori Lennox said...

I see this fine product comes from the Land of Cheesy Ads, CHICAGO!!!

Given the size of that thing, I suspect I'd be banging my head on it every time I got in or out of bed.

Amy said...

oh this is definitely a funny one! hmm a lamp/radio whatever to make bedtime fun? I guess if they want to get intimate some bedtime music or lighting puts you right in the mood...

Lidian said...

Stacie - The thought of that thing falling on my head would be about the ONLY thought I'd have :)

Hairball - What a brilliant idea! Amazing that they hadn't thought of this, isn't it?

The Earth - Thank you! :)

Mary - See, something for that Christmas list already, and it's only April!

Heather - Oh yes, you must be perfecly coiffed, as they used to say.

Ebon Swan - Oh my goodness, so you actually saw one of these things! It's a good thing you weren't under that thing, if it detached after one little jump on the bed...

Bill - I'm thinking Dennis too, since dear Margaret would not have approved of this, I think. And I am going to be on the lookout for more wonderful Mitchell products. I hope I find some!

Exaggerator - I think I'd go with Franklin MacCormack, since as Tori points out, this is a Chicago-made artefact. Poetic stylings, that sounds like fun!

Venom - Oh, well, I do not really want to know either...

Tori - I actually made note of that in the first version of this and then edited it out in the mad dash to post before I had to leave for the day...yup, I thought of you as soon as I saw that it was from Chicago! What WAS it about Chicago? City of the Big Shoulders - and Big Bed Lamp/Radios, too.

Phyl/kashicat/Bookishgal said...

I am giggling madly at the thought that the only fun this thrill-seeking gal would have in bed with Mitchell is singing.

Phyl said...

(Good lord, I need to unify all my identities. Sheesh.)

Lisa @ Work at Home Mom Revolution said...

I'm such a geek! I would "so" buy that right now. It's just what I need.

Shay said...

A veritable plethora of double entendres (doubles entendre?)

Carol@ iPentimento | Genealogy and History said...

Lights, action, vibrate? ;) BTW, 1949 wasn't SO long ago...I was born in 1950. I bet that radio played music like "Hot diggity, dog diggity, boom what you do to me" right before it falls on your head.

Starcasm said...

Wow! Who knew bed could be that much fun.

Lidian said...

Phyl - Yeah, and think of all the fun the neighbors are having hearing this.

Lisa - Maybe they still make it - not Mitchell, but someone else. Anyone know? Please tell!

Shay - I wonder if it was deliberate or not? Hard to tell, but I am thinking not.

Carol - And what fun it is when it falls on your head (straight out of the Three Stooges - hey, maybe Mitchell is the lost Zeppo of the Three Stooges?)

Starcasm - Well, exactly. Who knew?

Lyn said...

About Mitchell..somehow I don't trust a guy who wears lapels to bed. Especially if they're on his PJ's.
The lamp is a precursor to the microwave, and MaryJoBeth is retrieving her nachos now! Yummo..

Relax Max said...

I feel so left out since I only have posts on my bed. I wish the furniture store would have been honest enough to tell me what I would be missing out on. Oh, well, perhaps I could hang it like a necklace or something.

Lidian said...

Lyn - Mitchell does look rather dubious in those lapels.

Max - Or you could hang it ON a necklace, if it was a thick enough chain. That might be fun (or perhaps not).

Relax Max said...

Nah. I'd probably have to hang it on the bedpost.

Like a necklace.

tim h said...

I have more fun it was a combination hand lotion/Kleenex dispenser. With a picture of a naked lady on it.

Lidian said...

Max - That'll be nice.

tim h - That does sound fun.