Tuesday, April 21, 2009

An Oily Warning

Dear Beauty Expert:

I am a married woman with a big problem. And his name is Waldo.

Waldo thinks he is some kind of Valentino clone and is constantly giving moody smouldering looks to other girls when we are out at nightclubs and parties. And as you can see from the enclosed photo-bubble, those little floozies are not exactly telling him to go fly a kite!

I have tried everything, Beauty Expert. I have dyed my hair the exact color of a corn muffin. I am a heavy makeup user. I am charming and refined in my celery velvet lounging pajamas. And not only am I gorgeous, but practical, too: I made them out of the boudoir curtains.

Tell me, what can I do to attract Waldo's attention once and for all?

Signed, Miffed in Manhattan

My dear Miffed,

First of all, go straight out and buy a case of Palmolive soap. Then wash your face with it. Wash it a lot. That ought to impress him, as well as make a dent in the pancake makeup you have got going on there. I am sure you will both feel better when you're down to the last layer - don't you?

But you will probably need to follow this up with something a little less subtle.

So the next time you go to the Stork Club, and Waldo starts making eyes at that saucy minx at the next table - try throwing a bar of Palmolive at him (wrapped or unwrapped, that is up to you). Because not only is Palmolive full of oils that make your skin divinely soft, they are just the right size for a glancing blow.

That will make him notice you, all right!

Yours very truly,
A Beauty Expert

[From Ad Access, 1932]

29 comments:

TheSnackHound said...

Is that lady in the bottom left of the ad the "before" picture. I think she should have left well enough alone. I think Waldo will look at her all the time now, though, but with less desire and more "What the heck did you do to yourself?" allure.

ArtSparker said...

Looks as if she is about to take a page from Dr. Crippen's book.

Tori Lennox said...

I'm thinking she should have gone the platinum route instead of corn muffin....

Rebecca said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Your best one yet!!!

*wipes tears*

The Fitness Diva said...

"His eyes dont stray...since..."

Really? You sure about that? Cause that's one mean lookin' mug you got there, sister! MY eyes are trying to stray away quickly, and I don't even know ya! ;)

lol. Ad is hilarious! And that woman in it does look mad! In both senses of the word! :D

Bill said...

Put a pair of spectacles on her and she looks like Crippen.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

She actually looks really angry, and malelike...

Shay said...

A .38 in plain view will have the same effect.

Judy said...

Omigosh...she and Maria Von Trapp...curtains from the boudoir drapes...the idea! Oh, the face? Ummm...oh, never mind...Mother always said, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"! I think the lady in the lower left hand corner is the beauty (and I use that word loosely) expert. (Incidentally, I used Palmolive for years...it didn't help all that much!)

Staci said...

Maybe the Palmolive will wash that scary color out of her hair, or maybe it already has and that's the problem, like when you get a bad dye job and try to strip the color out.

I love the idea of throwing the soap at him. She needs to aim low, however. It might be more effective if it hit below his straying belt.

Lidian said...

SnackHound - I think that is another Beauty Expert, believe it or not!

ArtCrippen - She really does look like she has a scary, Crippenized basement.

Tori - That must be Plan B.

Rebecca - Aw, thank you :)

Fitness Diva - That's what gave me the idea for this - she just looks so terrifying, you would be scared to look away!

Bill - Oh dear, you'd better not let her hear that!

Mary - She really does!

Shay - Or perhaps she could carve a .38 out of a bar of soap! I think I did a post about a year ago about soap carving...although they didn't carve anything quite like that.

Judy - I know, that is one scary beauty expert!

Staci - Yes, I really do think she needs to address the greenish-gold hair issue first, before the complexion problems. Oh, and the steely glare. And you know she IS going to aim low throwing that soap!

Lara Lutrick said...

I just love your sense of humor, too funny. Hair the color of a corn muffin. HA

The Ebon Swan said...

Perhaps I missed the years when "Ken Head" was in...

Lidian said...

Lara - Actually it was the only thing I could think of! :)

Ebon Swan - She does sort of look like Post-Flapper Ken, doesn't she?

Amy said...

The woman in the ad, if you could call her that kind of looks like a man, hey maybe it IS Waldo...

Michele Cameron Drew said...

OMG Lidian this is soooo funny... ROTFL!

-M

Auntie E said...

great stuff. makes my day. thanks.

Lidian said...

Amy - Maybe she IS! That would make such a great B-movie.

Michele - Thank you! :)

Auntie E - Thank you, too. You guys all make my day :)

Hairball said...

I still can't get over her hair! It reminds me of when I was a kid and would color pictures with my crayons. All my blonde people looked like her.

Heather Cherry said...

The corn muffin hair and the lounging jammies/curtains made me LAWL, Liddy! Also, I'm not so sure how I feel about the way you spelled "smouldering" like dirty Kanuk! ;p

Ditto to Hairball... why did we think that yellow = blonde???

Judy said...

OH BOY...Did I EVER have my movies mixed up...was NOT Maria Von Trapp in Sound of Music...was Scarlet O'Hara in Gone With the Wind! Head down, shuffling feet, turning red am I

Lidian said...

Hairball - I think she may have used too much Sun In...don't ask me how I know! :)

Heather - Oh, we have to spell this way, it is required.

Judy - Actually Maria made dresses for herself and all the kids (and lederhosen for the boys) so you were right on the mark!

Judy said...

OH, geez...I thought I was right, but then I remembered Scarlett O'Hara made that beautiful green velvet dress from drapes before she went to see Rhett (in jail?).

Relax Max said...

Always try to say something nice about people if you possibly can.

I didn't know Palmolive was named after two oils.

Relax Max said...

Honestly. I thought it was named after Popeye's girlfriend's hand. But her last name was Oyl, so it still fits. Good. Now I don't have to remember anything new.

(You don't suppose this lady is Popeye's girlfriend, only with muffin hair, do you?)

Relax Max said...

Far be it for me to belabor this point. I mean, you know me and my demure demeaner. But THIS LADY IS OLIVE OYL!!!

Lidian said...

Judy - So she was inspired by two movies, both released after this ad! That's a clever trick.

Max - I almost signed the Beauty Expert as Olive Oyl. Was very, very close. But then I thought, Olive really was not a Beauty Expert.

Phyl said...

This is an absolute scream! I noticed the Steely Glare way before it dawned on me what...colour...her hair was. *shudder*And of course, we can't even contemplate the gown made from the curtains without thinking of Carol Burnett's own version of the dress -- complete with curtain rod along the shoulders.

Lidian said...

Phyl - Yes, of course, how could I forget Carol Burnett's version? A classic! :)