Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Magical Mystery Egg

Roll up! Roll up for the Mystery Egg!

Hi there yourself, Puff! Can you stop being so busy for a minute and maybe just sit quietly? And put that Mystery Egg down, too, while you're at it.

I have a whole lot of questions, so maybe you could stop running, climbing, crawling and eating out of hands (not my hands, thank you very much) and answer them:

1. What exactly are you supposed to be? Clearly you are not a dragon. Are you a tadpole or perhaps a sardine with delusions of grandeur?

2. How are you supposed to run around when you have a fish tail and no legs?

3. Why do you feel the need to assure people that you are "harmless"? Denying something merely puts the idea in people's heads, you know. Same goes for "clean" and "easily trained." Am uneasy about all three of these things. Please advise.

4. What sort of food supply are we talking about? What happens when this runs out? Can you eat a sandwich or some cookies then?

5. The plasticity of the egg implies that you did not hatch from it, but have chosen it as a vehicle or home. Why is that? Why would anyone want to live and travel in a plastic egg? Is this the Magic Dragon equivalent of the Silver Lark trailer?

6. How do you plan on amusing my friends and family? Do you have a standup routine? Can I see a preview of your act? Or are you just planning on running around the house aimlessly? If so, believe me, we already have someone here who can do that:

Watch me RUN! to check things on the stove and answer the phone and then back to my desk!

And CLIMB! the stairs again and again with laundry and things that wandered downstairs but in actual fact belong UPstairs!

And CRAWL! under the kitchen table wiping up spills!

What I'm saying, Puff, is that I really can't make a commitment to your incredible offer right now. I cannot rush you money for one Mystery Egg and occupant, never mind a pair of them (ugh). Although I am glad that there are "no cods"* involved: they don't tend to travel well, and I really doubt that they could run around the house playing and having fun all day.

Now, if you do laundry or know how to get things out from under the couch without having to move all the furniture - then we'll talk.

Comic book advertisement from 1971 (from my very own collection, which stands at a grand total of one!)

* I know, they mean Cash On Delivery. They should have capitalized it if they didn't want me to make a lame joke.


Hairball said...

A lovable live pet in a plastic eggAs opposed to a lovable dead pet in a little plastic egg-shaped coffin??

Tori Lennox said...

It says Puff is a Magic Dragon but he certainly doesn't look like any dragon I've ever seen before. I bet somebody from Chicago could have done a better job than the folk in Flushing (no toilet jokes here!), New York.

Me-Me King said...

Okay...I've rolled on the floor today, I can go home now. Hilarious!

Bill said...

I'm a little suspicious of unidentified "pets" and "animals" sent by mail.

Lidian said...

Hairball - yeah, I was thinking that too. Eww.

Tori - Yes, so true! If only they could have interested Chicago in this!

Me-Me - Of the many ads I scanned from my new old comic book, this was the one that made me laugh the most!

Bill - Yes, definitely. There is NO way I would ever, ever have wanted to send away for this. There was another similar ad in the same comic book (I've seen it on the web too) for a truly awful pet opportunity. Don't want to spoil it since I will get to it down the road, but rest assured: it is awful, too.

GoRetroGirl said...

Kind of creepy. Reminds me of the "sea monkey" ads which turned out to be nothing but shrimp eggs (which would never hatch.)

Daisy said...

It sounds a little more like a science experiment than a pet!

Lidian said...

GoRetroGirl - That is exactly what it reminded me of, too.

Daisy - It sure does!

Brandon Burt said...

I believe after the quarantine, evacuation and chemical bombardment of Broken Bow, Arkansas, it became illegal to send pairs of matched puffs to addresses south of the 39th parallel.

Lidian said...

Brandon - Not surprising, that. However, the sea monkeys seem to have managed to get through all right (unfortunately)...