Monday, May 4, 2009

Retro Guitar Heroes

Playing the guitar can be quite the career move, as these ads prove conclusively.

Note the sequence of happiness that awaits you: first you will have fun! Because that's what you want, yes? You want fun and you are going to get it all right. You will not be surprised to learn that this is a short-cut method, you will be playing pretty much immediately, and there are no tiresome scales or any old-fashioned hard work. Yippee for that! Even the large starfish-on-a-stick groupie in your future publicity photo agrees.*

Well - after amazing yourself and your friends with your guitar playing, you will gain popularity! You will play on the radio and rake in money teaching other people, even though you have barely learned a few chords! And if you want to learn Spanish guitar as opposed to Hawaiian, the Oahu School of Music can oblige - somehow. Perhaps one of them went to Spain on holiday once. Or even Hawaii. Seeing as how they are actually located in Cleveland, Ohio. Not Cleveland, Oahu!

But they are not quite so versatile as Norm Scott, the Singing Stockman.

Norm can (and will) teach you a whole passel of fancy musical tricks. Not just Hillbilly Guitar, enticing as that may be - but also Hawaiian Steel Guitar and Spanish Guitar (take that, Oahu School of Music!) plus Ukelele and Mandolin! **

Now, Norm (like his faux-Hawaiian rivals) promises that you will be popular and playing on the radio very, very soon. Probably in about 30 minutes, by which time you will know one tune. Fame and fortune are just around the corner. Or just past the campfire (turn right at the bag of marshmallows).

But he adds that his course is so easy that even the "smallest buckaroo" can handle the workload. Plus it will change your whole life through the magic of real hillbilly music! Even if the hillbillies are playing ukeleles! And that's some kind of magic, right there.

Top that if you can, Ohio/Oahu School of Music.

*It is a palm tree, I know. I know.

**If you learn to play them all, you can form a one-man band. Well, if you were an octopus, you could (there may be an opportunity to grow additional arms in some other ad, in which case I'll be sure to let you know).

Many thanks to Amy at the wonderful I Love Retro Things for the Hillbilly Guitar ad. The other ad is from Song Hits magazine, February 1942.


feefifoto said...

I'd have sworn it was one of those pinwheel things and he'd already gotten himself a gig at the state fair. Are you sure it's a palm tree?

Tori Lennox said...

So where is the hillbilly dude from? And call me crazy, but cowboys and hillbillies aren't the same thing. Somebody must have forgotten to tell Norm that.

And why would anyone take lessons from the Oahu trained guy when they could buy their own lessons direct from Oahu?

Me-Me King said...

Now, I've found the solutions to all my, popularity and a job! Thank you for pointing me in the direction of emotional, mental and financial ability.

Shay said...

The Oahu School of Cleveland?

Lidian said...

feefifoto - I think so, because of the Hawaii thing.

Tori - I think Amy got it from a New Zealand publication - right, Amy?

Me-Me - It's wonderful, you can find all the solutions to life's little problems in the ad section of cheap old magazines! :)

Shay - Apparently so. Aloha, Columbus!

Amy said...

yep I did get it from a nz publication - I think it was from My Home 1958. it's amazing how many ads were placed and followed back then about sending money away for stuff.

Bill said...

The starfish is actually a band member. It plays the ukelele.

Tikimama said...

Hey, this is the ad my husband responded to - and now he's a fantastic guitar player! No, really!

Hairball said...

Now, Norm (like his faux-Hawaiian rivals) promises that you will be popular and playing on the radio very, very soon. Oh wow! You get one of those free radio microphones too! I wonder if you get this one or this one?
I'm gonna be so darn wealthy! Whoot!

Lidian said...

Amy - It really is amazing!

Bill - Yes, of course, it sent away for the course, too.

Tikimama - What was the course like?

Hairball - I was thinking about those microphones too, I wonder if they were all in cahoots (I love the word 'cahoots'!)

Julie@Momspective said...

That's why I stick to Guitar Hero for the Nintendo, that way I know I'm a rock star lol.

Relax Max said...

Once again you soared to Google #1 - among searches for "Norm Scot Singing Stockman" anyway.

And right under you is an entry that comfirms "stockman" means he was from Australia and just advertising in American magazines. No actual mention of him that I can see, although they did feat Lanky Morgan and Len Bell...

Relax Max said...

Oh. A NZ publication. Certainly an Aussie guitar instructor wouldn't want to miss that market, so it all fits now. Thank god.

Lidian said...

Julie - That is the best plan for me, too (if I ever get to play GH, that is, lol) :)

Max - I am really very thrilled to be at the top of that search. Wow, the traffic is just going to be rolling in, isn't it?