Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The Key To Romance

The key to romance is not having legs that look like a topographical map. That is really it. Everything else is going to fall into place for you if you have added leg beauty. Not just ordinary leg beauty. Added leg beauty.

Take a look and see what is going on on your legs. Spots, blemishes, marks and lines. And ugly scars and burns. Unless you happen to be dating a cartographer, you might want to use this cream.

Oh, and you can put some on your face too. And under your eyes. And on your neck. Yeah, you have lines and spots everywhere. You are just covered in dermatological Morse code. So dig in your wallet and get ready to hand over some cash to the postman, when he rolls up with your industrial-sized jar of - oh, wait, what is this stuff called? - "Cover-Up." That's a little uninspired, isn't it? At least call it Miracle Cover-Up or Magic Leg Cream!

I guess they blew most of the budget on Lab Testing. That must have been a fun lab. Hey, everybody, lather up your legs with this. Don't get any on the white coats, it'll never come out!

Then they probably ran some tests on how waterproof it was. If the Cover-Up Leg Beauticians were selling a lot of cream (and had wrestled enough money from the postman), the scientists got more of a research budget. That means they got to throw a fancy pool party. But if the postmen got to the pool first, the lab tests probably meant going out back and turning the hose on each other.


Bill said...

Who knew that people only come in three colors?

Hairball said...

That before picture looks like her legs are cracked instead of covered with veins!

To tie in with what Bill said, I bet the light shade would be too dark for me.

Dr. Julie-Ann said...

Huh. And all this time I thought if I just used one of those Venus razors I'd have more romance than I ever wanted (it's even called Venus, after all). Now I'm told I'll have to use something called Cover Up??

On a more serious note, I have a couple of unfortunate "port-wine" birthmarks on my upper chest and neck that resemble hickeys. I tried every industrial strength cover-up ever known to cosmetic counters and dermatologists. Never worked because, like Hairball, even the lightest shade was too dark. Instead of having red splotches, I looked like I had a brownish bruise. I finally gave up and just started telling my students on the first day of class that the splotches were birthmarks, not hickeys. They always seemed so disappointed for some reason.

Stephanie B said...

Oh my God, I've seen an ad just like this! That's it, I might as well check myself into the old folk's home right now.

grouse.and.badger said...

I want to "add years to your appearance....a key to romance". I knew there was a key, I just couldn't find it, until now!!! Thanks for the help. I'll let you know how it goes.

Lidian said...

Bill - Indeed. And the hair color soap implies that there are only about 4 or 5 hair colors. I think they were all influenced by the basic Crayola pack.

Hairball - They do look cracked. I always like the ads that are indirectly insulting to readers.

Dr. Julie-Ann - I suspect that this stuff did not work either.

Stephanie - I am sometimes going through magazines from the late 60s and I remember the ads, so I will be joining you! :)

grouse and badger - Absolutely, please do! And please let everyone know how it goes :)