Thursday, July 16, 2009

As The Cake Stand Turns

When we last tuned in, the Ersatz Trifle had sneaked into the Wilsons' kitchen in lovely Spork Falls, hoping to convince them that it was an elegant English dessert.

"Well, no one will know that I come from a cheap Betty Crocker mix. I've learned how to act. I can do the accent. I'm wearing whipped cream and whole strawberries, just like those fancy English desserts that think they're so special."

The Trifle remembered how the Victoria Sponge and the Chocolate Gateau had made fun of it, even though the Victoria Sponge was only two layers of plain cake separated by a bit of jam. "But I am English and therefore awfully refined," Victoria had said. "Pardon me, but you wouldn't know how to behave on a tea table in London. You'd probably spill on the floor and taste like - "

"Like a cardboard box," sniffed the Chocolate Gateau (and that was no mean feat, as you can imagine). Ah, memories, thought the Trifle. Memories so poignant, so powerful! I don't even think they're real. Where'd I meet those snobby cakes, anyway? I've spent my whole life in a Betty Crocker box, and then I got baked. But I want more than that! I want fame, fortune - and most of all, to be English.

Just then young Bobby toddled over to the side table. But he did not look at the Trifle. He was looking at the Chocolate and Cream Thing in a Bowl which stood in front of the Trifle. It was a Trifle Wannabe - a flashy upstart that didn't even pretend to be anything but an excuse to mix pudding, cake and fruit in a bowl and call three desserts One Big Mess.

"Look at me, me, me," the Strawberry Trifle thought. "I'm the focus of this ad, not that floozy with the toasted almonds on her head!" But Bobby ignored the Trifle, for in the realm of small children, chocolate trumps strawberries pretty well all the time.

"Eat your tuna casserole first Bobby," said his mother from across the room. "And then maybe if you're good, you can have some cake. Now come sit down right now, it's time for us all to stare at the condiments." The rest of the family sat at the kitchen table, focusing their gazes upon the magical mustard and ketchup squeezy bottles.

"Trifle! I'm an English Trifle I tell you!" the Trifle tried to shout. But since it was an instant dessert in a glass bowl, no sound came out. "Trifle trifle trifle! Stop looking at that stupid mustard! Over here!"

The silence grew ever louder. And alas, the Ersatz Trifle was running out of witty rejoinders. Not that it had ever had any to begin with. Cake mixes seldom do.

Tune in next time to learn the answer to these thrilling questions:

-Will the Wilsons really believe that the Trifle came from London, enjoys a good cricket match and personally knows the Queen?

-Will Bobby ever go sit down at the table?

-And finally: what is the origin of the strange Spork Falls condiment-staring ritual which has the entire town in its hypnotic spell?


GoRetroGirl said...

Nice job - I'm in suspense!

Even though it's from a cake mix, I must admit the strawberry trifle looks really good. I actually think I would pick it over the chocolate thing.

Eric said...

Way to go Lidian! Dessert class warfare at its finest. lol@ tuna casserole, because it seems so likely.

Hairball said...

I am truly stunned that the recipe for "Strawberry Trifle" doesn't include Cool Whip.
They actually expect me to whip cream myself?
Do I look like a rocket scientist?
Soon, they will be expecting me to remove the wrapper from the cheese slices!
*plucks remnants of said wrapper from between her front teeth*

Leeuna said...

The suspense is killing me. This is now my favorite Daytime Soap. I just know that Bobby will sit down eventually. I'm sure of it.

Condo Blues said...

Don't stare at the Trifle Bobby or your face will stay like that forever.

Too Late.

Poor Bobby.

Lidian said...

GoRetroGirl - It really looks a lot better than my annual Christmas trifle, which is a hodgepodge of berries, pound cake, amaretti cookies, lady fingers and chocolate ganache, and sometimes a lil bit of brandy(it is really really good though!)

Eric - The tuna casserole was put in for the element of surprise! ;)

Hairball - I agree, this is very unfair.

Leeuna - Oh good, because I actually have a Spork cookbook that I can use in a sequel! :)

Condo Blues - I hope he does stop making that face, because he's in his mid-40s now. Hey, just like me. Except I don't make that face (well, not unless I'm having trouble writing a post! )

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Bill said...

I know there are a lot of people at that table, but two mid-week desserts is excessive, unless you're just out to show off.

Is that a home economist sitting in the chair to the west?

Lidian said...

Bill - I think they are trying to show off, perhaps for that home economist...

SUPER PC said...

very nice, good jobs

Marcheline said...

Well, they've just screwed up their own leading question!

As the advertised desserts are sitting on the counter - NOT ON THE KITCHEN TABLE - I suppose the answer is...

No, it cannot find a place. Why? Because it is not trying very hard. Bobby's place is obviously empty, so at least one of those trifles could plunk itself down between Sally and the child molesting lumberjack while he's not looking.

But wait - the question was not, in fact, about English dessert at all! It was about an English dessert IDEA.

The question now is how much room does an IDEA of dessert take up on an American kitchen table? And how many ideas have you had that you can actually see and taste?

Betty Crocker's been putting crack in her cornflakes again, y'all.