Saturday, July 11, 2009

Fat Chance

Men, don't save money! You can spend any number of dollars on useless diet scams. You can lose weight right from your wallet, guaranteed.

Now you could lose up to 7 pounds a week. Or you could lose nothing. Anything in between those two numbers, that's what they are promising.

"Absolutely harmless" is not a phrase one really wants to see in an ad though. When someone tells you something's absolutely harmless, run like the wind, because - yeah, it probably isn't.

Protam is no exception.

Protam is delicious "laboratory tested" food that will make you lose loads of weight. Not a drug, not a "thyroid," not a laxative and not something to wear. Well, I can believe that, because with the exception of Carmen Miranda, one does not tend to wear food.

You will have "New Energy" - and yet it is Not A Drug. Jackie Gleason's humorless cousin in the ad is definitely having trouble digesting that little nugget. Even he thinks it is probably some kind of drug.

Now if you are in Canada you can't have this. Sorry, Canadian guys! And Canadian ladies, too. It is Good For Ladies - but not Canadian ones. You are going to have to find your own diet scams.

If you are in the US, well, then you're good to go. Just chug down some delicious Protam Surprise, then stand still and let powerful rays of light radiate from your back, just like Jackie in the ad. The light must be the fat oxidizing.

You may go into orbit after that, but it's a small price to pay. Just don't forget to pay the postman on your way into space.

From Popular Science, June 1948.


Tori Lennox said...

I see it also says it "oxidizes excess fat". First of all, how does it know the fat is excess? How does it know when to stop? And is oxidization really something you want going on in your body???

Janna said...

"Thousands of overweight people report sensational results, some losing 30 pounds in 40 days...."

30 pounds in 40 days??!!
Those must have been the people who happened to lose appendages in tragic farm machinery accidents.
("Guess what! I lost an arm in the thresher, and now I'm 30 pounds lighter! Thanks, ProTam!")

Eric said...

Really, Popular Science, Really?

An invigorating starvation and exercise regimen always makes the cosmic rays glow off my back. :)

Relax Max said...

I would want to lose the pretty fat too, not just the ugly fat.

Lidian said...

Tori - These are questions the Protam people were hoping no one would ever think to ask!

Janna - Hey, whatever works.

Popular Science magazine was full of the nuttiest things ever, at least back then it was (things you might expect to find in comic books, really).

Max - Yes, Profam, take it all away! :)

Anonymous said...

It's a FOOD, too. Whew. I thought it was just another of those silly weight loss DRINKS. ;)

The Fitness Diva said...

These comments are hilarious! Just as funny as the ad! :D

By the way, where could one find this stuff for one's, er, man??? ;)

Hairball said...

You could lose 8-12 pounds every week just by cutting off your head!

Oh wait...

Lidian said...

unfinishedrambler - If you call it a food, it makes it all right!

Fitness Diva - The comments are the BEST part of my posts - I love you guys :) I think you had to send away, to NYC (not Chciago, what a surprise!)

Hairball - That's Phase 2, in case the Profam doesn't work.

Marcheline said...

The key phrase here is actually "NOTHING TO WEAR".

Go nude, and you've immediately lost seven pounds! Assuming your shoes are really thick.