Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Parachute Not Included

Here is another Very Bad Idea, based on the theory that dear little retro children ought to be really uncomfortable. And while they are being uncomfortable, let it be (in theory) For Their Own Good.

The Nickel Adjustments in particular sound unpleasant. As do the words "strong rubber posts" and "gripping." It looks as if a parachute ought to be attached to the back of this contraption. If it was, at least the girl could get away from the adults who thought this was a good idea.

I was about her age a decade after this 1958 ad, and so missed out on the Shoulder Supporters (fortunately). But I remember hating high socks, which never did stay high, but drooped bit by bit into one's sensible shoes as the day wore on. That was fun.

Not as fun as my horrible paper dance costume circa 1970, though.

Our grade school had a dance festival in a nearby park every year, called the June Fete. The year I was in second grade we had to do a pseudo-Roaring-Twenties line-dance interpretation of the Bunny Hop. I can't imagine what the thinking behind this was, but we had to do it.

The girls were made to wear crepe paper skirts over opaque tights, and headbands decorated with colored-Kleenex carnations. Like this horrible concoction of Nickel Adjustments and rubber posts, this was a Very Bad Look.

I could have used a parachute that day, too.

What did you hate wearing as a kid? Was it as bad as this?


Anonymous said...

I hated my Buster Brown shoes - ugly brogues and then I hated black/white saddle shoes.

FreshHell said...

I had a dreadful pair of dark green polyester pants that itched horribly when it rained and they got wet. They were a misery to wear. Also, I hate itchy collars on dresses. I hated dresses but my mother forced them on me. I still cannot wear anything the least bit itchy and cut off all tags when I buy clothes. Scarred for life!

wngl said...

Turtlenecks. Mom made me wear them on account of how "manly" I looked. A record of these days can be traced through all our family photos, where for 6 years running I'm wearing a turtleneck. It was like, as a comedian once put it, being choked to death in slow motion.

The Crazy Suburban Mom said...

Im so confused! What the heck is that thing?????

Eric said...

Armani, always hated wearing Armani suits as a kid.

beth said...

That's taking good posture a bit far. Why shoulder supporters? For children without skeletal systems?

Eric, haha!!

I hated our school gym uniforms. One-piece, pea green polyester horrors that gave everyone the appearance of a massive bubble butt.

Christopher said...

What is that thing supposed to do?

Marcheline said...

First of all, the shoulders are supporting the harness. Not the other way 'round.

Secondly, we all know what this is, right? It's the "modern" version of a chastity belt. If you put your pre-teen girl in this contraption, no boy is ever going to be able to figure out how to get it untangled before Mom comes to pick her up from the sock hop.

It also provides the helpful service of strapping flat any budding curves the young lady might be sporting!


I had to wear the metal "Forrest Gump" braces on my legs at night "to correct pigeon toes". Which, they later found out, do absolutely nothing to help, as turned-in feet on kids correct by themselves (or don't) regardless of heavy metal restraints. The braces used to leave big gouges in the paint on the wall by my bed, and gave me horrible leg cramps. Many's the night I woke up screaming and couldn't bend my legs to alleviate the cramp. Fun for everyone!