Saturday, October 24, 2009

Banlon News

Thanks so much for joining us for this special news report on Ban-Lon Knits. We'll be bringing you all the latest on these colorful yet uncomfortable acrylic sweaters which require a guy to hold his arms at an awkward angle and put on a patently phony smile.

Speaking of which: our top story is an orange V-neck cardigan with black pants, just right for Halloween. But watch out when you're handing out the mini chocolate bars! A source close to this cardigan tells us exclusively that this self-conscious arm positioning is, in fact, because the cardigan sleeves are too long.

And now in other stories:

News in Vests: Today, lots of small white buttons team up with acrylic yarn to form what many are calling "the worst looking vests I have ever seen," according to one source, who added that "they are so tightly knit around the bottom, it's hard to see how one could avoid cutting one's blood supply off." Another source added that buttoning one's collar up to the top might also play some part in this alarming circulatory issue.

News in Sweaters: Pink v-neck or black bulky-knit? Or perhaps a light blue with a collar? The choice is yours. But there is no choice in yarn. Wool is uncool - cotton is rotten - but Ban-Lon is in. On a side note, there is no relevant rhyme for Ban-Lon. Man Gone? Ran One? It just doesn't work. Best to just move on to the next story, really.

Which brings us, finally, to the News in Sweater Shirts - and with all the latest, here's Doug McGregor, our National Acrylic Correspondent, coming to us live from the menswear department at Macy's in New York City. Wouldn't you really just call this a collared sweater, Doug? As opposed to a Sweater Shirt.

Doug: Yes.

So there really is no Sweater Shirt news at all.

Doug [pausing]: Yes, that's correct.

Thanks so much, Doug. Well, that seems to be all the news in this ad. Please join us at eleven for a recap of the same drivel, plus a Special Report on Ban-Lon Socks: are they any darn good? Now back to your regular Saturday programming...

[This report was brought to you by Life, October 27, 1958.]

13 comments:

Grace said...

That was really ugly fabric. It would pill and run...and it felt funny...Ugh!

Tori Lennox said...

He looks sort of like he's trying to get his Mister Rogers thing going on, only failing miserably.

free recipes said...

hmm, look like ellegant and professional

blackberry application said...
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new games said...

hahaha, the fashionlook a classic like old english peoples

SEO said...
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Lidian said...

Grace - You're right! I remember Banlon, too.

Tori - He does, you know. I knew he reminded me of somebody, lol

Leeuna said...

Wow. ugly sweaters. Who wouldn't love them. At least the colors are Halloween-y though. :)

Lidian said...

Leeuna - I do kind of love ugly and/or weird retro sweaters (not to wear, though, necessarily). And yes, the colors are quite Halloweeny!

Next week will be even more Halloweeny on kitchen Retro - candy ads galore! )

vanilla said...

Laughed all the way through your article. Then I remembered -oops, I still have those knit vests in my closet. Must do something about that.

Lidian said...

vanilla - You don't have to do anything about it! They are vintage now, and that is good :)

The Bewildered Brit said...

I think I have just found my Halloween costume!

Lidian said...

The Bewildered Brit - Yes, that sounds like a winner! :)