Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Roofing Slices and Tasting Tiles

Here's a great idea for a fundraiser: how about some fruitcake that's been tossed around the Post Office for awhile, and has been prepackaged in Sample Slices? Yum, that's going to be good. Good and stale.

So here we have Benson's Sliced Old Home Fruit Cake. I assume that it is the cake that is sliced, not the Old Home, the wording is a little unclear. Perhaps the cake is made out of Benson's Old Home?

Even if this is not the case, there are two problems with this name: Sliced and Old. You really don't want to draw attention to how old the cake is, right? And old slices? This can only mean antique tablets of cake covered in hieroglyphs of ancient candied fruit. Hmm, yummy.

And specifying that the slices are Tasting Slices implies that you can do other things with them. Fix the roof, maybe. Or there might be holiday craft projects where you will need a little balsa wood or styrofoam and - well, you know how it is, it's so easy to run out of that sort of thing.

A little bowl of cherries and a few nuts have gathered in front of  the cake. They are worried about their reputations. This Old Cake is going to give them a bad name! Maybe if they can block the cake, people will just look at them and think: Oh, I like cherries. Nuts, how festive is that?

Now, the eggs, the raisins and that lurid green pineapple - they don't care. Standing up nice and tall, giving the camera a look that says: yeah, so we've been around the block a few times, so what? It's cake, what do you care how old it is?

In the background, a bowl of library paste hovers. And it really doesn't care what you think. It's ready for anything: book labels, children's art projects, shellacking fruitcake, gluing down tiles - go ahead, start spooning it out! Don't forget to check the roof, too, what with winter coming up.

This is from a little magazine called The Workbasket, from 1968.


Tori Lennox said...

What IS in that bowl, for real? 'Cause it does look like a big bowl of library paste. *shudder*

FreshHell said...

Gives new meaning to that slang phrase, "What up, home slice?"

Michael said...

Erma Bombeck once said that there were two kinds of people: fruitcake people and the rest of us. My father was a fruitcake person; I am not. The mere sight of it turns my stomach, and despite that, til his last Christmas, Dad tried to get me to eat it. I wonder if he would have eaten THIS brand, which appears to be manufactured from a Home Depot recipe. Hmm...I don't know...eating a cake made of building supplies actually sounds more appetizing that the standard fruitcake recipe. At least, it does to me.

heidi said...

I'll make two this season: one for the kitschy, one to actually tile the kitchen!

Bill said...

I like the warning at the top of the ad that says BEST FOR FUND RAISING.
As in, Dear God, don't serve this to your guests! or Don't even think of giving these as gifts!
No, save these for FUND RAISING. Guilt will make people buy anything, even old cake.

Lidian said...

Tori - I think it is supposed to be icing. But it IS library paste.

FreshHell - It does, doesn't it? And not much is up, from the looks of things.

Michael - I am undecided about fruitcake, it all depends on the recipe and the maker. I do make Dundee cake some years, which is not surprisingly Scottish and fairly light on the fruit (currants mostly, and toasted almonds). And I like fruit breads like stollen, but that's another issue altogether.

heidi - It will look so festive, too, matching the decor and the dessert! ;)

Bill - Ah yes, holiday guilt. It's all in the near future! As far as the fund raising, maybe people could pay NOT to get the fruitcake slices.

JD at I Do Things said...

The only thing worse than a fruitcake is an old, sliced one.

Fruitcake contains everything I hate, and it's impossible to pick it all out so you just get a clean bite of cake.

I hope the cherries and nuts get organized and lead some kind of revolt.

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit said...

Oh my goodness, it's like a bizarre parody of a Bavarian Christmas!

With a terrifying bowl of white goop!

Lidian, I'm endlessly impressed that you can find so many incredibly adverts!

Eric said...

IMO, fruit cake is awesome when it doesn't have fruit in it. Or, much fruit anyway.

ps - I was excited by the title with the word 'tile' in it and rushed right over here.

Lidian said...

JD - The cherries are definitely up to something.

Richard - Well, it is because there are some amazing resources on line, and also I collect old musty magazines and will pretty much climb into the rafters of old bookstores if I have to (and if they let me). So far I haven't wrecked any stores or my neck, which is a plus.

Eric - So did this post inspire you, or what? (I'm guessing the "or what" option!) ;)

Hairball said...

Lidian, can we come over and play Frisbee with the fruitcake slices, if we promise not to hit your house with them?

Shay said...

Fruitcake: the incredible inedible.

Dimestore Lipstick said...

Fruitcake people love it, though! I custom-made a homemade fruitcake at the request of my favorite aunt this year, soaked it in brandy for a month, and shipped it out to Arizona. She was thrilled. I have no idea if it was "good" or not, since I didn't inherit the fruitcake-liking gene. It was pretty, though!