Monday, December 14, 2009

Mind The Bottle, Liz

Things To Remember While Wrapping Presents

by Ersatz Elizabeth Taylor

1. Dress up in favorite at-home lounging outfit: black skintight toreador pants, a black leotard, a sparkly gold cinch belt and earrings I made myself out of the iced tops of two cupcakes.

2. Sit in awkward cross-legged position on floor. May never be able to get up again. Do not think about this.

3. Also, do not move upper arms. In fact, cannot move upper arms.

3. Place bottle of delicious, sparkling, refreshing Pepsi-Cola (without moving upper arms, of course) right near present, ribbon, wrapping paper and Scotch tape. One false move - one move of any kind at all, in fact - and it's going down! Pepsi will be everywhere. OK, better not move at all then.

4. Do not look at present I am wrapping. This is key: never look directly at the present. Do not know why, though.

5. Also do not know exactly why am I giving someone a birdcage. With a bird in it! When did I even buy this? How am I supposed to get the wrapping paper around it? What is going on?

6. Next time, try and think things through a little better.

[The bigger version is here; from Life, December 13, 1954.]


heidi said...

this is the same deer-in-the-headlights we get from liz today. maybe it was all those pepsis in the 50s & 60s that altered her brain. it may have also primed her for marrying that uggly larry fellow.

i'll stick with coke, thankyouverymuch!

Keith said...

That was so cool. Always great to see some words of wisdom from our dear Liz. Whether I ever listen to anything she has to say is totally another story. Have a great week. Cheers!

JD at I Do Things said...


I have toreador pants! I call them workout pants. But for my next exercise class, I believe I'll show up in a gold cinch belt. And put ice-cold Pepsi in my giant water bottle. And wave around a birdcage with a bird in it for no reason.

And wonder why no one is calling me "Liz."

Barbara said...

I collect those old Pepsi ads - the illustrations are beautiful, if somewhat silly.

I'm going to try dressing like that tonight to wrap presents. I'll let you know if I'm able to stand again.

wngl said...

Wasn't it traditional in those halcyon days to give Pepsi as a gift contained in a birdcage?

Thanks for another fun post, and for a lovely illustration, to boot. I miss hand-drawn ads that looked this good!

Tori Lennox said...

Apparently, Liz is giving someone an empty bottle of Pepsi for Christmas. It's already under the tree! And what a scrawny little tree it is, too. Did Charlie Brown pick it out for her?

Mommy Kennedy said...

#4 "Do not look at present" is because maybe you will want to keep it for yourself!

Beth (Margie and Edna's Basement) said...

Well, she seems to be on at least her 2nd bottle of Pepsi (she's discarded an empty back by the potted plant). Clearly she's stuck in a Pepsi-induced state of paralysis, including a goofy, eye-glazed demeanor. You know, my dad looks much like that after his second bottle of Pepsi...minus the birdcage and off-the-shoulder top, of course.

Marg said...

Oh gosh that is funny. I know if I got down on the floor, I would never get up again.

Lidian said...

heidi - If this is really Liz, it could explain a lot. Having said that, I do really like Diet Pepsi.

Keith - Is this really Liz? Now I'm wondering...I thought it was a lookalike model. I think that if it was her, in 1954, they would have told us in big red capital letters ;)

JD - That poor bird! One hopes she is not giving it any Pepsi!

Barbara - Yes, please let us know!

wngl - Yes, there were some amazing and unsung graphic artists working back then. I believe Pepsi is a traditional holiday beverage when one is wrapping birdcages ;)

Tori - It IS a Charlie Brown tree! And she is not the Little Red Headed Girl, that's for sure.

Mommy Kennedy - If you're into birdcages!

Beth - Maybe there's a little something something in there besides Pepsi.

Marg - If I got on the floor now I would lie down and have a nap, lol!

Needless To Say said...

7. Hope everyone is noticing my amazing collarbones, because I'm getting pretty cold in this top.

The Accessory Lady said...

:-) Couldn't they give her something easier to wrap?

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit said...

I bet she's got that "not all here" look on her face because she sneaked a snifter of gin in the bottles of Pepsi she's been drinking!

That tree on the right looks a little sad, doesn't it?

Lidian said...

Needless To Say - Absolutely, that is #7! They are on display all right.

The Accessory Lady - I know, especially since she refuses to look at it!

Richard - I think you're right. And that tree does look awfully depressed.

Hairball T. Hairball said...

"1. Dress up in favorite at-home lounging outfit: black skintight toreador pants, a black leotard, a sparkly gold cinch belt and earrings I made myself out of the iced tops of two cupcakes."

Dear Lidian,
I really want to wear the latest styles and be a true fashionista. Please divulge the secret of not getting cupcake icing in my hair or on my face while looking fab.


PS: Please remember that I don't have any floating heads at home to assist me with my goal.

Lidian said...

Dear Hairball,

It is easy and fun to look stylish while doing little odd holiday jobs around the house! The secret to not getting icing in your hair is very simple: after leting the icing dry for several days, dip all your fashion accessories in sparkling shellac!

By which time you will be so worn out you can tell people you are exhausted from wrapping presents and that they will have to finish up the job! ;)

Happy craftiness,

P.S. Those floating heads are not much use at my house around the holidays, actually. They tend to get into the eggnog - heaven only knows how! - and sit on top of the fridge, giggling.

Lidian said...

That is "letting' not "leting" - I simply must go have a catnap, after I shellac a few fruitcakes ;)

Amy said...

yes and remember to act like you're surprised too!

Lidian said...

Amy - Yes, that is key! :)

Marcheline said...

Please note that this product is not DIET Pepsi... it's regular old Pepsi! And this is what women (and their countless men, don't forget the countless men!) should drink to be SLENDER????

Okay, first they're calling it "dry" - as if it's a wine and not carbonated water packed with sugar and caramel coloring. And then they say it's "not filling". What, it just dissolves into thin air once you swallow it?

Egads, were people REALLY that gullible back then?