Friday, December 4, 2009

Tour De Forst


Forst on the holiday agenda are the Forst Star meats
Those monolithic camera-ready treats -
All hail enormous ham and mighty turkey!
The brand that everyone has happily endorsed
Without even being Forst
By butchers wielding clubs of ancient jerky.

O steaks that are prepared to sear and sizzle
Even in the cold December drizzle
We hail thee with our Cards of Diner's Club!
We celebrate the sultry Smoked Ham Ball
Which has the power of a siren's call
To levitate Levittown Ulysses from the pub.

Yes, stars will sparkle 'round your famous Mystery Au Gratin
And your melamine counters will glow like satin
When Forst meats first shimmer into sight:
The holidays get exciting in a good way
Guests behave (for once) not in a rude way:
Why, Forst steak makes them sweet as Turkish Delight.

So rush your orders through and start in on the gifting
A big smoked turkey will make your dinnertime uplifting
And even little snacks seem like a feast:
So stock up, folks, it's now or never.
Forst rate meat won't sit around forever
It's this or else the Grinch's best Roast Beast.

[This 1962 ad is from the brilliant cabinet of retro wonders that is Modern Mechanix.]

14 comments:

Georgina said...

Yum, mail-order meat. - G

Vintage Christine said...

Around these here parts, we still have guys who drive around in pickup trucks and actually come to your door and ask if you want to "bah sum ribahhs". Or they'll set up a popup booth on the road and advertise their meat. If you're lucky, someone will also be selling "berled" peanuts and maybe a pit bull puppy or two.

JD at I Do Things said...

Ugh. "Forst Star Hits" is a little . . . forst, if you get my meaning.

However your sparkling verse is as impressive as ever. It's not selling me no Forst steaks, tho.

The Crazy Suburban Mom said...

LOL, 2 disembodied head in one ad! One of which I guess is supposed to be santa?

And some disembodied meat besides...

Tori Lennox said...

I could go for a good steak....

Lidian said...

Georgina - Yum indeed.

Christine - Oh my.

JD - I guess they couldn't resist the (rather forst!) pun.

Tracy - Oh, there's a whole lotta heads in this ad!

Tori - They're ready to sizzle!

Catherine said...

How convenient!

Leeuna said...

Oh Yumm. I love smoked turkey.

Me-Me King said...

This from the age when we were first introduced to the Jetsons with their food preparation conveniences.

I, too, could use a good steak - medium rare, please.

Barbara said...

I just want a husband. Waaaahhhaahhh

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit said...

How on earth do you manage to come up with such sparkling rhymes day after day? I'm in awe!

Lidian said...

Catherine - You bet!

Leeuna - I've never actually had smoked turkey but it sounds OK.

Me-Me - The Jetsons would definitely be all over this.

Barbara - Not the kind who bring home empty paper bags, though.

Richard - You are very kind. Tomorrow I plan on a little non-sparkling prose, with the help of a good visual. No idea what. But something.

I don't quite know how I write them, actually. But I've always liked doing it.

The Exaggerator said...

The whole idea of mail-order meat is alive and well (including on the Information Stuporbahn), in case any of you were getting ideas of its demise.

As in Burger's Smokehouse out of California, MO.

The New Braunfels Smokehouse out of its namesake Texas city.

Not to mention the old-school Wisconsin mail-order cheese houses like The Swiss Colony and Figi's.

Lidian said...

The Exaggerator - This is good to know! I remember the Swiss Colony catalogues that used to come in droves around this time of year (I wish I'd kept them, they would be vintage now!)