Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Treatwich Anniversary

Well, is Wednesday an anniversary? Hmmm. Let's see. Not this one. And not most Wednesdays. Unless you say today's an anniversary of last Wednesday. That's true. Is it an excuse for cake and a party? No, not really.

But is it an excuse for a Treatwich?

And what might that be, I hear you ask (I know you're not really asking, but let's pretend you are). I believe it's a sandwich, but involves the following variables:

- "a different kind of bread" (I've got two kinds, stale and fresh, which do you think he'd like?)
- "his favorite spread" (I've got peanut butter or a bedspread, so let's go with the former)
- "the meat he likes best" (if you're a vegetarian, you're out of luck, no treatwich for you!)
- oh, and lots of plastic processed cheese!

What sort of process goes into this cheese product? Never mind. It has "really rich cheese flavor." And it has little olive slices for eyes, winking up at you. What a treat. "When lunchtime comes, he'll get the message!" Ah, the message. What sort of message would that be? let's do the math:

1. Different Bread + Favorite Spread + Liked Meat Product + Fake Cheese = Treatwich. Please explain why fake cheese is an integral part of this equation, if you can.

2. Wednesday + Treatwich = Anniversary of X. Please determine the nature of X, using your imaginative powers.

3. Now multiply the number of fake cheese slices in the Treatwich to estimate the dimensions of Y, the Expected Anniversary Present.

4. And finally, calculate the number of weeks the Treatwich may be deployed as a gift-inducing scheme. Please show your work.

Advertisement (Good Housekeeping, October 1965) thanks to the wonderful TJS Labs.


Barbara said...

Very nice! I laughed out loud (at work, mind you) over the "favorite spread"...

Bill said...

As of yesterday, Kraft Old English cheese food slices are now called Demoralized Cadbury Processed Cheese Food Slices, and the green olives on the Anniversary Treatwich will be replaced with Cadbury Creme Eggs.

Epicanis ( ) said...

If the FDA rules were the same in 1965 (and if my memory of them is correct), the Kraft® "Slices" up there probably weren't too bad - they'd have been at least 98% cheese.

("American Cheese" is, by definition, just two or more of a couple of other styles of cheese chopped up and mashed back together. The FDA rules - again as I recall - allow no more than 2% by weight of emulsifiers to help the cheese melt better. If the package ONLY says "American Cheese" with no other modifiers, it's still more or less real food.)

Two words to watch out for on any alleged food, though are "product" and (ironically) "food". For example: "Potted Meat Food Product". I worry when they are compelled to reassure you explicitly on the label that the contents really are supposedly intended to be shoved into a human mouth for nutritional purposes.

"Cheese Food" means it can be made of ½ "not cheese".

"Cheese Product" means it can be mostly "not cheese".

Or so I seem to recall the FDA regulations stating.

(Kraft is the company that 5-10 years ago had the ad campaign with the "fairy cow", wherein they bragged that there was SOME milk in their cheese-like food-product slices, weren't they? "American Cheese Product" is an insult to my country...)

Tori Lennox said...

I can't do the math. I'm too busy gasping for breath from laughing so hard...

The Lucy and Dick Show said...

Whose FDA requirements are you following? American or Canadian? Cheese in here in Ontario can mean lots of things, (They sell Spreads in jars....)

Lidian said...

Barbara - Thanks! :)

Bill - And then we can call it fusion cuisine. Or something.

Epicanis - Thank you, that is most illuminating. And I'll bet they were a lot better back then, a lot of things were, weren't they?

The Lucy and Dick Show - This is the American version, I think. So we'll go with their FDA!

Epicanis ( ) said...

To answer "The Lucy And Dick Show", I was referring to my memory of US FDA regulations - not sure how those arcane documents compare to Canada's. The actual list of what is and isn't (and how much) allowed in cheese-related foodular substances and what specific words have to be put on the label as a result was a bit mind-boggling when I looked at it.

If that's not enough bureaucracy for you, according to Alton Brown on "Good Eats", "Cheese Pizza" and "Pepperoni Pizza" fall under completely seperate agencies' jurisdictions down here in the US (the former under the US Food and Drug Administration, the latter under the US Department of Agriculture. Go figure. )

(And on an unrelated note I suddenly find myself wondering about the fact that "dog food" is food for dogs and "fish food" is food for what is "Cheese Food", really? Is there some variety of cannibalistic or carnivorous cheese out there somewhere? If so, where can I get a starter culture for it?...)

Eric said...

Great how this was turned into a math word problem! Kraft... Old English flavor from and old German company...

Kath Lockett said...

Oh he'll 'get the message' alright: that she spat into his sandwich and the divorce papers are served!

Lidian said...

Eric - I always disliked those math word problems (probably because I was so incredibly hopeless at solving them), but this one was kind of fun to write.

Kath - Yes, that will happen very soon.

Marcheline said...

Egads - too funny! I love the way using an "Old English" font to display the words "Old English" on any retro packaging instantaneously makes it so.... Old English! Stick a graphic of a beefeater hat on there and you're golden! Throw a "Ye" or an extra "e" on the end of "Old" and nothing can stop you!