Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The Lustre-Creme and I

Deborah Kerr, oh Deborah Kerr*
What has happened to your hair?

When you were in The King and I
Did you feel anxious to espy

The chromium domain of Yul Brynner
And panic that your hair grew thinner?

His lustrous pate made you fair game
For buying stuff with a far-fetched name.

Behold, this tube of Lustre-Creme
Is like the crux of a bad dream:

No radiant shine, no silky set
Can come from squeezing that Tubette

Of what is just some plain shampoo
Which, though it cleanses, is not new

And though it made your red hair clean
Does not impart the slightest sheen.

Your rueful gaze and drab expression
Makes plain your silent sad confession

That soap does not transfigure hair:
Conditioner might, though, Deborah Kerr.


* Deborah Kerr (1921-2007) was a well-known Scottish-born actress, best known for pictures such as The King and I and From Here to Eternity. Her name, apparently, was pronounced to rhyme with car. But let's pretend we don't know that, OK? And also Lustre-Creme does not rhyme with King. I know, I know. That's all I've got today, though!

Oh wait:

Deborah Kerr, oh Deborah Kerr
With Lustre-Creme you went too far

And though you are a movie star
You look as though you took a bar

Of Ivory Soap or a jumbo jar
Of shampoo from the Cheapo Bazaar

For if you think your hair glows bright
You may amend that thought tonight

You might as well apply soap of coal tar
Than Lustre-Creme, oh Deborah Kerr.

[OK, now I'm really done. Promise. Over and out!]

[Many thanks to Vintage Scans for this ad from Woman, October 20, 1956.]


Barbara said...

A+ for effort anyway!!

Now all I can think of is Deborah Kair!!

JD at I Do Things said...

Not only are you genuinely hilarious and witty and creative -- you also know how to pronounce Deborah Kerr's last name! Because the first thing I thought of was, Oh, dear. It doesn't rhyme with "hair." But then I saw the asterisk. THE ASTERISK! You knew all along.


vanilla said...

Imperfect rhyme?
Your verse is fine.

Evoked memories of my younger days.
Deborah Kerr and June Allyson my faves.

Lidian said...

Barbara - Oh well, I guess. I just couldn't go through the whole thing again!

JD - You do me great honor. I only found out AFTER I wrote this and then I thought, oh well, let's just roll with it. So when I was writing this, no I didn't! ;)

Bill said...

Wow! You win an H.C.B. Club gold star for ferreting out the stomp-down ugliest picture of Deborah Kerr ever seen. It doesn't even look like her! What were they thinking?

Now finish your Cream of Wheat.

Amanda said...

Loved the post!

For anyone wanting to give Lustre Creme a try can buy it at Vermont Country Store. And who wouldn't after this fab ad?

The Crazy Suburban Mom said...

Honestly that woman looks positively ill! LOL

Relax Max said...

I checked the rule book, and I think you should be aware it is officially illegal to rhyme thinner with Brynner.

But the poem is still a winner.

Lidian said...

vanilla - Thank you :)

Bill - It doesn't at all, does it? And couldn't I just use my Cream of Wheat to paste labels on my books instead?

Amanda - I didn't know they still made it! Wow, I almost want to try some.

Tracy - Well, I guess she didn't like the ad too much either.

Max - Sometimes I just like breaking the rules a little, though ;)