Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Trouble For Dinner in Gotham City

Do you think Hot Dan was lurking outside the dining room window because he just knew that Millie's corned beef and cabbage dinner was heading for disaster? Maybe. Because you know it has to upset him when people don't use you know what on their food.

Either that or he saw the Hot-Signal (shaped like a jar of mustard) shining in the night sky, the way it does whenever someone in Gotham City is having condiment issues. So Hot Dan hopped into the Mustardmobile and zoomed straight over.

Imagine how long Millie must have boiled everything: Calvin doesn't even know what it is. And she thought he'd be pleased! He surely won't be pleased to learn that although he tastes corn, there isn't any corn in corned beef (the corning is a sort of pickling process, and does not involve any golden kernels of deliciousness).

Everyone is hot and bothered, all right. Millie went to so much trouble, boiling dinner for four hours! And Calvin, after a long hard day at the Ministry of Patent Leather Hair, is being a smart aleck.

They probably need to cool down (a nice Jell-O mold might be just the ticket). But - nope, here comes Hot Dan the Mustard Man with - yes, you guessed it, hot mustard. This is his answer to everyone's problems. You just lost your keys?  Kids won't stop playing handball against your garage door? Or is the Joker roaming the dark city streets, menacing kindly shopkeepers and ordinary citizens?

The answer is very simple: French's Hot Mustard. And they all lived happily ever after. Although Millie got a little tired of Hot Dan popping in through the window to check that they had a jar of French's on the table at all times.

It is, after all, "Tangy, Tasty Magic Fluff!"

Wait...what? Fluff? Oh no - I know who it is under that Hot Dan disguise: the Micro-Fluff Man! Soon Calvin and Millie will be pasting Micro-Fluff on all their belongings - that is, when they're not dousing their food in hot mustard, using the "ducky" yellow spoon that he brought them (the handle looks just like Hot Dan, and its foot hooks over the jar, which must look lovely).

[Thank you so much to TJS Labs for this amazing episode in the Adventures of Hot Dan, which first appeared in Good Housekeeping in 1936.]

More Hot Dan right this way:

Hot Dan the Mustard Man
Hot Dan Redux

And there are some hilarious Batman quotes here, apropos of nothing really - but they are fun. One of my favorites is: "It's obvious. Only a criminal would disguise himself as a licensed, bonded guard, yet callously park in front of a fire hydrant." (Hot Dan never does this, because (a) he is not a criminal of course and (b) people may need to get to the water supply in a hurry because that is HOT mustard).


FreshHell said...

I want you to know that your blog is responsible for ALL my nightmares. I better not see Hot Dan show up tonight. Or there'll be trouble.

Beth (Margie and Edna's Basement) said...

I don't know, Hot Dan has all the marks of being Millie's stalker--he just happens to sell mustard, too. Perhaps Hot Dan dreams of making Millie "Mrs. Hot Dan." Calvin better watch that Hot Dan doesn't slip him some of that "special" mustard, or it's curtains for Calvin!

Gah, this mustard ad totally gives me the creeps! Nightmare-inducing, indeed. Sometimes I wonder if all the admen used to drop acid before creating these ad campaigns.

Bill said...

I wonder if Hot Dan ever rings the doorbell?

Gee, I want one of those spoons.

Eric said...

Well after three of your great blog posts on Hot Dan, I just realized that 'Hot Dan' is eerily similar to the old goofy exclamation 'Hot Damn!'. I need to stop breathing in laser toner, I'm starting to understand these ads.

Tori Lennox said...

Hot Dan has obviously never climbed in the window at Emily Post's house or he'd know better than to climb in the window. Miss Manners and Amy Vanderbilt would be very disapproving of that behavior too.

OLLIE MCKAY'S ~ A Chic Boutique said...

LOL ~ love reading about Hot Dan!!

Janiss said...

I confess: I really want one of Hot Dan's spoons. But then, I am the type of person who thinks Froggy the Gremlin is cool. In other words, I give nightmares, I don't have them.

Barbara said...

A jar of mustard "saved their happiness"? Damn, I need to go buy mustard!

Lidian said...

FreshHell - I hope not! I am keeping some ketchup nearby if he does, that might scare him away.

Beth - It IS a creepy ad...And the storylines in the 30s ads are so weird, but I like that, as you know ;)

Bill - I want one of those spoons too, they look like quite the conversation piece.

Eric - You're right! I never noticed that before - i wonder if that was intentional?

Tori - Yes, it is very rude.

Ollie - Yes, they are fun!

Janiss - I totally want one of those spoons too!

Barbara - Yes, no pantry or therapist's office should be without it.

Marcheline said...

She's claiming Hot Dan "saved their happiness"... which seems to indicate that they had some to begin with... which I find a bit hard to believe.