Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The Aristo-Mats

I hope that you are all having a great holiday. I have always liked the between-Christmas-and-New-Year's week because there's nothing to wrap, bake, or make, and there should be some leftovers in the fridge, why not have a look?

And in direct opposition to this lady from 1953, I'm glad nobody thought of giving me an Aristo-mat for Christmas.

But supposing you are cooking out in your backyard, or maybe even in outer space, out in the darkness, trying to make a turkey dinner by starlight - watch where you put that casserole dish, and mind the onions...

(And no, I don't even know what I mean by that - I'm still sort of on blogging break, and this is just pre-New Year's drivel, more or less. Still, we'll press on:)

...And suppose that your oven has a sort of radar screen attached to it (perfect for catching space debris, although that may wreak havoc with the potatoes). Wouldn't you also love an Aristo-mat to make your stove look gorgeous? And make you feel like an aristocratic lady (this is pushing it, I know)?

Anyway. You know how Freud used to ask "what do women want?" Now we know. They want "the most beautiful protection their stove tops can get!" They are made of "heavy garage steel." How beautiful is that, huh?Also they can withstand "sharp blows" which is good in case you get mad at the plum pudding.

And not only are Aristo-mats gorgeous and make you feel like you are living in a fancy palace, they will allow you to orbit the earth, cooking Christmas dinner forever.

Yay, that sounds fantastic. Beam me up, Phoenix Table Mat Company of Chicago!


Kath Lockett said...

If they can withstand 'sharp blows' then her husband needs to and hide.... or head over to Tiffany's and get something that's made of anything other than 'heavy garage steel' :)

vanilla said...

Well, it did get the "Good Housekeeping" seal of approval.

Unfortunately, the ell ohs are no longer in the fridge; they are on the thighs and the abs.

DearHelenHartman said...

It IS what every woman wants! It can withstand sharp blows because if your man gives it to you, you will be using it to whack some sense into him. Thank you Phoenix Table Mat Company.

Tori Lennox said...

Why is Phoenix Table Mats (and where did the table come into it?) located in Chicago, IL aka Land of Weird Products?

Mike said...

Thelma (I am calling her Thelma, as she looks like a Thelma) seems so happy in this ad, floating through the galaxy with her stove and Aristo-mat. Perhaps that is because she left her demanding husband at home when she went into orbit. She is so happy that apparently she reworked her stove to double as a kind of culinary pipe organ, with the pipes springing merrily from behind the control knobs of the oven. Never mind that the pipes are all the same size. If Thelma was back on earth, she could moonlight as a very monotone organ player at the skating rink and still have Bill's dinner ready when he gets back from a not-so-swell day at the office.