Saturday, March 31, 2012

Men Like Peppy Food

LJ Vintage Ads
Dear Diary,

I have some simply marvelous news to tell you!

There's a new bride next door. I don't know what happened to the old bride, but I think maybe she sneaked away in the old laundry hamper when Hal Jalapeno (he's the groom, I suppose) insisted on redecorating everything last week.

This new bride is called Sally and she cries a lot. She told me that Hal said her food was "tasteless." I said that my husband thinks my dropping in on people and listening in at their windows is tasteless but I never let that stop me. Sal said oh, she wondered why there was a purple feathered hat bobbing just under the dining room window.

"Yes, that was me," I beamed. "Just making sure everything was A-OK with you, dear."

Then I told her that her problem was not knowing the one fact you must know about menfolk:

Men like peppy food!

Especially my patented Glazed Onions! The ones loaded with Colman's Mustard, and paprika, and 4 big old teaspoons of sugar. That's to make the men sweet-tempered, you see, I told Sally. This recipe has everything! Pep, sugar, onions. That's all you need to know.

Sally's eyes were starting to glaze over like - well, a couple of pearl onions. So I hustled into her kitchen and whipped up a batch of my special spicy mustardy onions.

And you know what, Dear Diary? I think I saved Hal and Sal's marriage, I really do. Hal loved those onions, I know, because when I hopped over the picket fence and peeked into the dining room window, I heard him choking and asking how much damn mustard was in these onions, anyway? And later he asked how much Colman's Sal put in the tapioca pudding. And then finally he told her they really ought to redecorate.

Yours truly, Jane

7 comments:

Tori Lennox said...

I first read that as "Men like PUPPY food" and I wondered what was going on in that neighborhood. LOL!

Leah H. said...

This blog is so cool!

Lidian said...

Tori - LOL! Actually, someone said that she read it that way on my Kitchen Retro FB page, too!

Leah - Thank you so so much!

Marcheline said...

HA! Great stuff! Love how they always allude to sexual satisfaction ("new bride") when selling foodstuffs. Like the husband may decide to stray next door for a little dessert if his wife doesn't improve her culinary skills....

Lidian said...

Marcheline - Oh yes, they were pretty saucy (spicy?) in these retro ads!

Dieter Moitzi said...

As long as the new bride doesn't confound Colman's Mustard and Whipped Cream when doing her "9 1/2 weeks"-relaunch…

Lidian said...

Dieter - Oh yes...that wouldn't be any good at all ;)