Tuesday, October 16, 2012

The Stocking Eaters

Bigger version of this 1941 ad here
Did you know that you are endangering your own stockings just by wearing them? Well, you are.

Because perspiration is acid. Acid is perspiration. They are one and the same. And do you know what acid does? And perspiration? They eat stockings, that's what. For breakfast, lunch, dinner and the occasional between-meal snack. They live to eat stockings.

And when that happens, Bob is going to find out. And do you know what Bob will do to be helpful? He will give you a pretend-surprised look - he is subtle, that Bob - and say "Another run?" Another one, dear? Goodness, you really are full of acid today.

And then the tiny Ivory Soap Fairy will jump, seemingly from Bob's pants (best not to inquire too closely into that), and insist that you use her Ivory Soap Flakes to combat this terrible problem of yours. They will also give you "lovelier hands." Yeah, because your hands are also lousy. You'd probably better wear gloves while you wash the stockings. And then wash the gloves. Or maybe you should just send the laundry out. You can send Bob out to the laundry, too, when you do. Maybe they can wash his mouth out with Ivory Soap Flakes so he'll say something better than "Another run?" next time there's a problem.


Dr. Julie-Ann @ Modern Retro Woman said...

If I were her, I'd be a bit more concerned about the Ivory Soap Fairy jumping out of Bob's pants than the acid caused by perspiration ruining my stockings. Perhaps if Bob's little secret didn't keep tormenting her, there wouldn't be any acid perspiration in the first place.

It's obvious that the woman's problem is linked to Bob's little secret.

Mae West NYC said...

TRUE STORY: worked my way thru college by holding a 9-to-5 office job, put aside a few dollars, then decided to live on a "virtual dim" budget and go fulltime for my senior yr in college. Women were still wearing stockings and, as you know, hose runs.

One day I stumbled up PURPLE PANTYHOSE selling for 99 cents each. This matched nothing in my campus wardrobe. But since I wore pants to class, no one saw much of the purple stockings ... just the ankles. And I figured the purple stockings would get snags and run and be discarded. But, no. These lasted for my entire senior year! I would wear pair #1, wash pair #2, and alternate.

The purple pantyhose never ran. Eventually, I got minor snags but my jeans hid that. Finally, in late May the FEET WORE OFF the pantyhose! Phew. Then I could throw them away.

Too amusing. Had to share it. Come up sometime, honey . . . . .

VelmaDinkley said...

The purple pantyhose must have been made out of Ivory soap flakes. It's the only possible explanation for their having survived in such an acidic environment for so long.